Tuchel asked Kane to call Trump because the president actually overturned a red card from FIFA.

Azteca Stadium, hosts Mexico, ten-man England.

Bellingham scored in the 36th and 38th minutes, a brace in 98 seconds. Quansah was sent off in the 54th minute. Kane scored a penalty in the 60th minute, his sixth goal of the World Cup. 3-2.

The full-time stats looked like performance art. Mexico had 66.9% possession, England 33.1%. Shots were 20 to 6. But first-half expected goals? England 1.21, Mexico 0.67. Down to ten men, possession halved, yet the English trampled on their chance quality. The Mexicans turned ball possession into prayer beads, all 20 shots being fireworks from distance. Pickford swatted away those inflated xG figures one by one from his goal line. They won. On the hosts' turf.

Shortly after the match, Trump posted on Truth Social:

"Harry Kane of ENGLAND is a GREAT player!!!"

Three exclamation marks. ENGLAND in caps. GREAT in caps.

An 80-year-old US President, busy with the 250th anniversary of the nation's founding, turned around to side with the team that eliminated the co-host. Don't forget, Mexico is a co-host of this World Cup.

At the next morning's press conference, Trump backpedaled for the cameras: "I watched and no reason for me to watch and you couldn't take your eyes off the game." He was hooked, couldn't look away.

FIFA played dead. The Mexican FA played dead. The outcry from US fans didn't even make a splash.

That same week, Trump proactively called FIFA President Infantino. He requested a review of US player Balogun's red card, saying verbatim, "I didn't think it was a foul." FIFA subsequently cleared Balogun to play against Belgium. The Belgians publicly fumed: "Shame on you, FIFA."

Balogun's red card was erased with a single presidential phone call. For Kane, the treatment was upgraded to three exclamation marks plus a video statement.

In the video, Trump also let slip: "I played golf with him and I like him a lot, he's a good golfer too."

The roots of this statement lie 18 months ago.

Kane admitted at a pre-match press conference in Miami: Trump invited him to play golf in Palm Beach, Florida. "We played about 18 months ago. He invited me to play when I was down in Palm Beach."

Kane has a golf handicap of 3, hitting a 204-yard 6-iron. What does a handicap of 3 mean? Standing on the tee box, it's enough to crush the vast majority of amateur players. Trump's official handicap is 2.8. The difference between their handicaps is 0.2, practically the same level on paper. Except Kane practices during the off-season, while Trump has spent 116 of his 538 days in his second term on the golf course. 21.6%.

The golf community has never bought that 2.8 handicap. In 2019, someone hacked his USGA score records, which showed rounds of 101, 100, 108, and 102. These numbers simply don't match a 2.8 handicap.

Kane's response was precisely calculated. Asked about the experience, he first set the tone: "It was a pretty surreal experience." Then he evaluated Trump's game: "His golf is pretty good, to be honest with you." Finally, he added a polite courtesy: "I hope I can play golf as good as him when I'm his age."

Not sycophantic, not cold. Every word landed perfectly in the safe zone.

The sharpest response came from Tuchel. Asked after the match if they would appeal Quansah's red card, the England manager joked: "Can Harry ask Donald Trump? Maybe, that's a good starting point."

This joke worked because, that same week, a real phone call had canceled a US player's red card suspension. Kane was passively cast as "a guy who can call the President"—whether he wanted the role or not.

Look at his bill for this season: 63 games for club and country combined, 73 goals and 8 assists. 36 goals in 31 Bundesliga games, winning a third consecutive Golden Boot. 14 goals in the Champions League. A hat-trick in the DFB-Pokal final. He helped Bayern set a Bundesliga record of 122 goals in a single season. At the World Cup, 13 goals tied Just Fontaine for sixth on the all-time list.

This monstrous level of performance deserves a President tapping out three exclamation marks on social media.

Next up is Norway, with Haaland waiting for him at Hard Rock Stadium in Miami. The President's exclamation marks won't stop the Norwegian counterattack. Inside the penalty area, the prestige of the White House is less useful than a set of studs.