Old Haaland was cursing the referee in New York, while 593 Peruvian babies were queuing up to be registered under his son's household.

18 qualifying matches. 6 goals scored, 21 conceded.

A goal difference of -15, second-to-last in South America. The Peruvian national team didn't even touch the grass of the World Cup, but at the civil registry in Lima, they won. 593 newborns were given Norwegian names, 468 of them with the single name "Haaland," 91 registered with the full name "Erling Haaland," and the rest with other spelling variations.

Peruvians naming their children is, frankly, the lower class gambling their fate on a household registration form. In the database of RENIEC (Peru's National Registry of Identification and Civil Status), there lies an account of South American football aesthetics. Neymar: 33,809 people, with parents hoping their kids would learn to do step-overs. Messi: 3,402, of which 292 are fully named "Lionel Messi." Further down, Lamine Yamal: 1,241, Cristiano Ronaldo: 1,185, Mbappé: 238.

The numbers decrease, the totems change flavor. From dribbling wizards to self-discipline fanatics, to track athletes who rely on speed to burn defenders, now they've completely bowed to a Nordic machine.

RENIEC spokesperson Iván Torres confessed to Panamericana TV's cameras: "Now, Haaland is also Peruvian."

He added: "We cannot stop people from choosing these names."

On July 5th, at MetLife Stadium in New Jersey, Norway beat Brazil 2-1.

Haaland scored two. At the 1998 World Cup in France, the Norwegians also beat Brazil 2-1, which was their last appearance at the World Cup until they returned in 2026. When the Norwegian team kicked off their final match of the 1998 World Cup, Haaland wasn't even born. 28 years later, he sent the Samba squad home with the same scoreline, incidentally carrying Norway into the World Cup quarterfinals for the first time in their history.

Peruvians sat in front of their TVs, watching their own national team score only 6 goals in 18 qualifiers, watching the Norwegians convert 18 shots into 7 goals.

A 39% conversion rate. ESPN dug deep and found this was the highest efficiency among players with 15 or more shots in a single World Cup since Englishman Gary Lineker's 40% in 1986. Every time he took a shot, there was nearly a 40% chance of making the goalkeeper despair. He doesn't do step-overs, doesn't pull off elastico moves; he receives the ball, turns, and smashes it into the net.

Old-school South American football fans used to hate this style of play the most. They wanted magic, the kind of dribbling that would knock you out of your seat. Watching their own forwards turn the ball into prayer beads during qualifiers, squeezing out only 6 goals in 18 matches, the parents on the streets of Lima resigned themselves. Modern football doesn't believe in magic; it only recognizes conversion rates. Since their own country can't produce Samba wizards, they'll borrow the shell of a Nordic machine.

On July 11th, Norway lost 1-2 to England in extra time in the quarterfinals, with Bellingham sending Haaland home.

In the stands, the elder Haaland pulled out his phone after the match. First, he ranted on social media: "Saved by the referee. Hope they win the World Cup now. But I think we were robbed today."

Then he replied to a post by Fabrizio Romano with one sentence: "Well done, Bellingham. And the referee."

On the same day, RENIEC released the final tally of those 593 names.

Spokesperson Torres was unfazed. It's World Cup fever, after all. When the next star emerges, the registry forms will naturally swap out for a new set of letters.

At the very bottom of the form, there were 4 more lines.

4 newborns were registered with the complete full name: "Erling Braut Haaland."

Braut has nothing to do with roughness or brutality. It's the maiden name of Haaland's mother, Gry Marita—a heptathlete who won a Norwegian national championship in the 1990s.

These four Peruvian parents had clearly done their homework. They traced the lineage to find Haaland's mother's surname and filled it in, stroke by stroke, on the civil registration form in Lima.

The elder Haaland was on social media cursing the referee for stealing his son's quarterfinal spot. 593 Peruvian babies, carrying his son's name, had just opened their eyes.